The Battle Wounds of Shamus Mo'Beatty (NSFW)

Ol' Shamus was a'performin' 'is duties as a Gunner's Mate when 'e incurred an unfortunate accident. 'E was loadin' grapeshot when an errant ember landed on the canvass cartridge 'E was tryin' ta stuff down a cannon's muzzle. The canvass flared up an Shamus attemped ta pitch the load overboard. Shamus incurred multiple injuries to 'E's ah... just below 'E's waterline, that'll work. Shaumus awakes under care 'o the ship's surgeon an inquires as to 'E's injuries. The Surgeon raises a hairy eyeball, scowls an says, "Shamus, ye be lucky ta be alive. I done the best I can an Ya didn't loose any parts but I must be referrin' ya to me brother ashore". Shamus asks, "Is 'E a right good hand, will 'E stitch me up good?". The Surgeon again raises a hairy eyeball, scowls , an says, 'E plays woodwinds in the Rose an Crown. 'E's gonna show ya where ta put yer fingers so ya don't piss in yer eye".